Lately I can't control my frustration. It seems as if everyone and their dog are getting engaged. The young, the old, the immature, the wise - they've all got a ring on that little left finger.
So much of my day is spent looking at other people. I can't help but wonder where they are in life, what they're studying, who they're marrying? It's almost as if my entire world stops and stares at the lives of others. She's engaged, she's married, she has a baby on the way, look at her. Are you looking at her??
Don't get me wrong. I love that others are in those seasons of life. As happy as I am for them, I can't help but be jealous. I want all of that. I want those seasons to be the current seasons. It's taken me a long while to understand that I'm not enduring those seasons for a greater reason. Those are my dreams, to move on and grow and have my own family. I seem to want it all at once... It's finally become clear to me that those are my plans, and as great as they may be, those aren't GOD's plans. Not yet anyways.
Welcome to life seen through my eyes.
Here's a little background for you, reader. I'm twenty. I'm still learning. I'm still growing. And I love Jesus Christ. The most difficult thing I've struggled with mentally thus far has been living in the future rather than being present and appreciating what I have and where I am. I've come along way these past two years. My parents were amazed by how much of myself I became. I had returned to normal Amy. You see, I was in a relationship that was incredibly life sucking. Like any love-crazy, romance seeking 18 year old, I fell in love and boy did I ever fall hard. As dreamy as it was at first, I didn't realize until after it ended that I had fallen in love with the wrong person. I placed my identity in this one guy who, in the end, couldn't ever fulfill my deepest desires. I sought after romance in the wrong areas. I sought affection rather than appreciation. Like I said before, I didn't fall in love with the right person...
I should have been falling in love with Jesus.
Yeah, yeah. "Date God first" we get it. When somethings said over and over again, it finally sticks to us. I swear it's engraved on my brain. God first.
Christ is my rock. He is my saviour. He is my Father. He is my Lord. The relationship I had attempted to build with this guy was toxic. We never did anything, we never went out and fully enjoyed each others company... there was always more to it. We weren't serious enough about our own goals in life. The only thing he wanted in life was me - that alone is toxic.
Ladies, we are worth MORE than being someones entire world. The most attractive thing about a man in our eyes should be his personal relationship with God. When we put our entirety into a man we love, we lose sight on serving the man who loves us more than we could ever comprehend. This man sent his son to pay for our sins. He paid for my sins.
When things ended, there was pain. There were a lot of tears, more than my mother ever wants to see shed from my eyes again. There was also peace. I serve a God bigger than any of my problems. The God I serve loves me, and like a Father, he watches out for His children. He saved me from so much hurt. He will never put me through what he knows I cannot endure.
{ Fast forward a couple years... }
I'm dating the most amazing young man. This relationship is different though.. As much as I think he's a total babe, and seriously the best person I've ever met, what attracts me most is his heart. This guy is Godly. And when I say Godly, I don't mean to say he's perfect. Because he's not. And neither am I. But he seeks God and encourages ME to seek God first.
We have a long distance relationship. It totally sucks not being closer, but it's sooo worth it! He is seriously my best friend. One specific thing I'm grateful for is the 3 hour commute to his home town. You're probably thinking why on earth am I grateful for that? That's THREE hours of driving.. I know, I know. But in those three hours I get to jam out to cool tunes, in my butt warmer seat and worship God! In all honesty, I tune into the country stations, but I try to listen to praise as well! And when I do... man do I belt those praises out! Other drivers probably think I'm a totally weird Canadian. Although they might already think Canadians are weird overall.. OH well..!
In my mind, it's ONLY three hours to get to my man! { only } three hours. No H2O in between. No airplane rides. Just coffee coffee coffee.
•••
I wrote this in September. September. This guy is still my best friend. In my heart at least haha.. Just when I think I'm seeing what Gods doing, he surprises me. He turned my entire world upside down. At first I was furious. And deep down I still am. But if I truly trust the God who made me and holds me in the palm of his hand, why do I worry? Why do I doubt? Because I don't fully trust him. If I did, I'd be okay. I'd be more than okay, id be at peace.
Point is, things happen. Hearts change. It's life.
The only constant is Christ.
He's the constant I chose every single day - it's something I have to chose every day - or else I'll turn back to my old ways. No more worrying, freaking out, and overreacting to things that aren't important. The biggest thing I learn everyday is that God is bigger.
So how big are your problems on a scale of 1 to God?
Doesn't seem like much when you see it that way.
