Where did summer go?

#imperfecthuman

It's not about me

I'll start this off by saying this isn't a happy post. This isn't one of me talking about how content I am right now, how content I've been, or how content I should be. This is a post of how difficult it is for me to be happy.  I have absolutely no reason to be discontent. None. I have family and friends that surround me, I have a great church community full of people who really love me. I have God. What's missing? Oh right.. I made someone else my god.

I pushed everyone aside and made this one tiny person my entire world. I depended on him for my happiness. I began making up this picture in my mind of how life would be with him, how perfect it would be. We would have each other and that was good enough for me. It was amazing actually. I would get to spend every single day with my best friend.

That's not how it's supposed to be though. I know that, but it's hard to put my own wants and desires aside. It isn't about me.

A relationship isn't about the two people involved. Really, there should be three people involved. Man, woman, God. God should be number one in the relationship. I made the man my god. That sounds extreme, but it's true. Our God is a jealous God. He wants my attention. He wants my love. Did I give any of that to him? No. I gave it to someone who would never ever be able to fulfill this empty void inside my heart. I gave it all to someone who wasn't God. And that's when my little perfect world came crumbling down. It ended. It was done. My heart still aches and hopes for it to be different, but it's not. It won't ever be.

Everyone talks about being content in the 'now' and that's something I struggle with daily.
I'm not content in the now, I have no idea where I'm going. But there's this God, this King, this Saviour, who has my life all planned out. And it's perfect. He is perfect. When I follow gods path, there is happiness. Its not all rainbows and lollipops, there is struggle, but it's all to build up His kingdom.

God never promised to make me happy, He promised to make me HOLY. and that's something only God can do.

Friends, heartache sucks. It really does. Dating sucks, because for me it's only led to heartache. Not only do you lose your best friend, but you lose the family you've come to love dearly.  I've wondered what I did wrong. Why I'm not what they wanted. But that alone is the problem. I am constantly wanted by Christ. He wants me the most. He cherishes me, pursues me, and LOVES ME.

Ladies, it's time we start dating Jesus. Lets see what that's like. Dating Jesus. I can't fathom what it would look like for me to be dating Jesus... How my heart would change, how my desires would change... It would be incredible. So why can't I let it go? Give up on this guy? Because my earthly desires are strong and I'm stubborn. But God is stronger. God is greater than what I face and have faced.

Enough with being "content in the now"

How about being content with Jesus.

She struggles

There she is. 

The happiest girl in the world. She's smiling. She's laughing. She's praying. 

She has friends. She looks done up. She's never alone. She's outgoing. She's bright. She's okay. 

She's depressed. 

She struggles. 

She puts on a strong appearance so no one asks her what's really wrong. Truth is, she's hurting. She's tired of pretending like everything is okay, like her heart isn't hurting. She wants to trust God, she wants to love him more, she wants to fully rely on him for happiness. But she struggles. 

She feels distant from God. Distant from the world. Distant from herself. She feels like everything is floating past her and she's just standing still watching it all happen. She can't do anything about it. 

She tries her hardest to be better. To do better. To be more graceful, more forgiving, more loving. She tries. But she struggles. 

She spends the night wishing it was okay to constantly be in a state of nothingness. Where she feels empty and unsure of life. She feels like things continue to happen and she doesn't know how to deal with it. She preaches how amazing God is, how he's bigger than anything she's dealing with. That's true. It's all true. But it's time for her to actually believe it. She needs to believe in her heart that God has her back. That God holds her heart. 

Right now she's struggling. Because she isn't trusting God. 

She wishes it was okay to admit her heart hurts. But it seems ridiculous to constantly say her heart hurts. 

She struggles. 

hello selfish

Some days I feel like the most selfish person in the whole entire world. What's worst is when you're being selfish and someone confirms it. Selfishness is hard to steer away from. I mean, we're all a little selfish in one way or another. We aren't perfect. We aren't God. 

This past week has been hard. This past week, God has shown me His goodness. God called me out on being selfish. God called out the young adults of MRBC on their selfishness. The young adults ministry at my Church is diving into the book of Acts in a series called "All In". We JUST talked about sharing the gospel not only with the jews but with the gentiles as well! Opening up the word of God to those who desperately needed to hear it! The gospel isn't exclusive. It's MEANT to be shared! 

My young adults group is so set in their ways, that the teaching pastor of our Church of 650 has taken on the role of leading us. We are in desperate need of help. It's like we've learned nothing. This entire sermon series has been about sharing Jesus, sharing the gospel and seeing how the Church grew. It's about making disciples, loving others, loving God! Our pastor teaches a course at a local college. People pay to be in this course. He is willing and wanting to teach this course for FREE on Thursday nights as a mini series for young adults ministry. This is amazing. Someone is taking time out of their busy life to teach something he could be getting paid for, to share Jesus and to broaden our knowledge of who this Jesus guy is and how to live for Him. This is something the young adults of MRBC needs. This is something everyone could benefit from. And it's sad we can't see we need this. God is and has been calling out to us through this series "All In", diving into the book of Acts, learning how the gospel was shared and how the Church grew tremendously. That the gospel wasn't for a few people, but it was for ALL. 

There is a gift being given to us. Instead of wanting to share it with others - like we are supposed to - we want it all for ourselves. We want it to just be for us. We are needy human beings. We need certain things all the time. But God provides for those needs and we HAVE  to trust Him. God has placed this pastor into our lives for a reason. He has called this man to lead young adults at this specific church because we need it. He won't give us anything we don't need. 

There's so much more to this story, but what I've gotten from this is that God has called out the young adults on being selfish. Not wanting to open this course to the rest of the church is a prime example of our selfishness. Let's put on the whole armour of God. Let's wear that belt of truth. Let's dodge those flaming arrows. Let's be image bearers, Jesus lovers, servants, leaders! Let's live out our purpose for the God who freaking gave His life for US. Let us first go to the bible; THE truth. Everything about the growth that needs to happen within this young adults ministry is exactly what we are currently reading about in Acts.

Think about that...

The answers we need are exactly what we are currently reading and discussing..

It's not easy to see things, even when they're right in front of us.

But let us put our own selfish desires aside, our own needs aside, because the amazing God we serve knows best. Let's stop pretending we know what's best and let's listen to what the Lord has to say!

Matthew 28:19 "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit."

Acts 1:8 "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth."

Here's another tid bit of selfishness where God has called me out directly - 

I'm now single. I found comfort in Jesus. I had so many plans. I had so many dreams. I thought my plans were amazing! Incredible even! I thought they were what God wanted for me. Through this, God is saying that even though my plans for myself were wonderful, His plans for me are even greater. I couldn't imagine that. It's still hard for me to picture. My heart is so heavy! But I trust in the God who is bigger than my heartache. He actually heals my heart. So I trust in Him. That whatever happens, God is on my side and I side with Him. In those moments though, I am selfish. When I'm alone I am selfish... I still want those plans. I fell in love, I am still in love! But why am I so caught up in the plans I have or had for myself, when the plans of my God are more than I could ever imagine?

It's hard to trust in the plans of someone else. But He promises the best for us. He knows what's best for us. There's comfort in the fact that even when I don't know the answers, God does. 

I am All In. Whatever you have for me Lord, I am All In. 

#imperfecthuman

Why I thought blogging was stupid.

Blogging, in my mind, means writing about all the crap that's happening in our lives and seeking to find others who have gone through the same situations or are currently going through it. It's a form of support. Internet support. Support that isn't sufficient. Support that doesn't grasp eternal support. Most "blogs" are daily stories about past events and future worries. They let you into the bloggers heart. This isn't a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, community is necessary. But are you involving yourself in the right kind of community? Is this a community that has your eternal life in mind? Is this a community that depends on God for help? The answer to this is no. This isn't a community dependent on the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  But it's something. Someone might come across this one day and think wow I'm going through that exact same thing, THANK YOU for posting this. But it's not how WE have overcome obstacles. It's about how Jesus overcame. 

As much as I would love to use this little page as a personal diary or daily entry, it won't be. You don't need to know me. You need to know who Jesus is. You don't need to know my deepest thoughts or how my boyfriend is, how my friends are, what I'm wearing or what I'm making. I want you to know how amazing God is. You don't need to know those little details about my life.
But you should know this one big thing... 

I follow Jesus. I love Jesus. I am for Jesus. Jesus is God.

This will be about the God who created me and who created you. 

In Christ there is purpose. 

Without you, I am nothing.

To someone who isn't a Christian, man that might sound a little insane. OK, a lot insane...

-You're nothing without this God? What if God leaves? What if he doesn't accept you? 

That's sad.

I've heard this time and time again. Why should I depend on God for happiness? Why should I live my life for someone else? Why? Why! Why. why. why. 

Well first off, I don't depend on God for my happiness, I am happy through serving Him. I depend on Him for holiness. God never promised to make me happy. But through promising to make me holy, I am happy. There is a genuine happiness that comes from serving God. It isn't easy to describe either. It can't be imagined. It can only be experienced. 

Our mission as Christ followers is to make Jesus known. 

In Church we've been discussing what it means to be All In. What does that look like? We are currently studying the Book of Acts. Oh how I long to be in a Church like the one in Acts. They were so FULL of the Holy Spirit power. They were loving, eager to serve not just God but others! 

Serving God means serving others. 

The mission of MRBC is to love God, and love others. 

This month, as we learn what it was like to see Jesus moving through his people, the church, we want to inspire you to be apart of His movement. We want the church to be All In. No matter what it costs. 

In this sermon series, Jon Morrison introduced the idea of "Up, In, and Out"

1) UP - looking up to Jesus before anything else. Seeking His heart first and trusting Him. 

2) IN - we've lost the value of Church. There is no urgency to get there on a Sunday morning. It's not a priority. We need to be reminded of God every single week. It's important.

3) OUT - we need to reach out. Being in community with one another doesn't just mean within the walls of the Church. It means people. People who know Christ and people who don't. 

We were made for mission. We were made with purpose.

This is our purpose. 

Jesus leads through leaders. He uses normal, uneducated people for His work. He's using me. I'm not all knowing. I know nothing. I struggle, daily. I don't have all the answers, but I follow the only one who does. 

Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

John 14:6

Jesus is the only answer. He is the only choice. I live in a world that likes to have options. Here's a simple example: Everyone loves to create their own Starbucks drink instead of taking it for what it is. There are so many different options. Sugar free, low fat, coconut milk, decaf, cold, hot... you get what I'm saying? There are so many options all around us. So many turn when they hear of Jesus and this verse specifically because He is clearly saying that HE is the ONLY choice. To some, this is disappointing. It pushes them away from God. Just one choice. To follow, or to not. To be a Christian, or to not. To me, this makes things easier. I don't have to go through the choices and find out what I like and dislike. Because it's not up to me. There isn't more than one option.  I don't have to sift through all the false gods and religions. Jesus is the only answer. This makes it easy. 

I only have one choice. You only have one choice.

So, choose. 

Are you with Jesus or are you against Him?

#imperfecthuman

Wait for it

Lately I can't control my frustration. It seems as if everyone and their dog are getting engaged. The young, the old, the immature, the wise - they've all got a ring on that little left finger.

So much of my day is spent looking at other people. I can't help but wonder where they are in life, what they're studying, who they're marrying? It's almost as if my entire world stops and stares at the lives of others. She's engaged, she's married, she has a baby on the way, look at her. Are you looking at her??

Don't get me wrong. I love that others are in those seasons of life. As happy as I am for them, I can't help but be jealous. I want all of that. I want those seasons to be the current seasons. It's taken me a long while to understand that I'm not enduring those seasons for a greater reason. Those are my dreams, to move on and grow and have my own family. I seem to want it all at once... It's finally become clear to me that those are my plans, and as great as they may be, those aren't GOD's plans. Not yet anyways.

Welcome to life seen through my eyes. 

Here's a little background for you, reader. I'm twenty. I'm still learning. I'm still growing. And I love Jesus Christ. The most difficult thing I've struggled with mentally thus far has been living in the future rather than being present and appreciating what I have and where I am. I've come along way these past two years. My parents were amazed by how much of myself I became. I had returned to normal Amy. You see, I was in a relationship that was incredibly life sucking. Like any love-crazy, romance seeking 18 year old, I fell in love and boy did I ever fall hard. As dreamy as it was at first, I didn't realize until after it ended that I had fallen in love with the wrong person. I placed my identity in this one guy who, in the end, couldn't ever fulfill my deepest desires. I sought after romance in the wrong areas. I sought affection rather than appreciation. Like I said before, I didn't fall in love with the right person...

I should have been falling in love with Jesus. 

Yeah, yeah. "Date God first" we get it. When somethings said over and over again, it finally sticks to us. I swear it's engraved on my brain. God first. 

Christ is my rock. He is my saviour. He is my Father. He is my Lord. The relationship I had attempted to build with this guy was toxic. We never did anything, we never went out and fully enjoyed each others company... there was always more to it. We weren't serious enough about our own goals in life. The only thing he wanted in life was me - that alone is toxic. 

Ladies, we are worth MORE than being someones entire world. The most attractive thing about a man in our eyes should be his personal relationship with God. When we put our entirety into a man we love, we lose sight on serving the man who loves us more than we could ever comprehend. This man sent his son to pay for our sins. He paid for my sins. 

When things ended, there was pain. There were a lot of tears, more than my mother ever wants to see shed from my eyes again. There was also peace. I serve a God bigger than any of my problems. The God I serve loves me, and like a Father, he watches out for His children. He saved me from so much hurt. He will never put me through what he knows I cannot endure.

{ Fast forward a couple years... }

I'm dating the most amazing young man. This relationship is different though.. As much as I think he's a total babe, and seriously the best person I've ever met, what attracts me most is his heart. This guy is Godly. And when I say Godly, I don't mean to say he's perfect. Because he's not. And neither am I. But he seeks God and encourages ME to seek God first.

We have a long distance relationship. It totally sucks not being closer, but it's sooo worth it! He is seriously my best friend. One specific thing I'm grateful for is the 3 hour commute to his home town. You're probably thinking why on earth am I grateful for that? That's THREE hours of driving.. I know, I know. But in those three hours I get to jam out to cool tunes, in my butt warmer seat and worship God! In all honesty, I tune into the country stations, but I try to listen to praise as well! And when I do... man do I belt those praises out! Other drivers probably think I'm a totally weird Canadian. Although they might already think Canadians are weird overall.. OH well..!

In my mind, it's ONLY three hours to get to my man! { only } three hours. No H2O in between. No airplane rides. Just coffee coffee coffee.

••• 

I wrote this in September. September. This guy is still my best friend. In my heart at least haha.. Just when I think I'm seeing what Gods doing, he surprises me. He turned my entire world upside down. At first I was furious. And deep down I still am. But if I truly trust the God who made me and holds me in the palm of his hand, why do I worry? Why do I doubt? Because I don't fully trust him. If I did, I'd be okay. I'd be more than okay, id be at peace. 

Point is, things happen. Hearts change. It's life. 

The only constant is Christ. 

He's the constant I chose every single day - it's something I have to chose every day - or else I'll turn back to my old ways. No more worrying, freaking out, and overreacting to things that aren't important. The biggest thing I learn everyday is that God is bigger. 

So how big are your problems on a scale of 1 to God? 

Doesn't seem like much when you see it that way.