The happiest girl in the world. She's smiling. She's laughing. She's praying.
She has friends. She looks done up. She's never alone. She's outgoing. She's bright. She's okay.
She's depressed.
She struggles.
She puts on a strong appearance so no one asks her what's really wrong. Truth is, she's hurting. She's tired of pretending like everything is okay, like her heart isn't hurting. She wants to trust God, she wants to love him more, she wants to fully rely on him for happiness. But she struggles.
She feels distant from God. Distant from the world. Distant from herself. She feels like everything is floating past her and she's just standing still watching it all happen. She can't do anything about it.
She tries her hardest to be better. To do better. To be more graceful, more forgiving, more loving. She tries. But she struggles.
She spends the night wishing it was okay to constantly be in a state of nothingness. Where she feels empty and unsure of life. She feels like things continue to happen and she doesn't know how to deal with it. She preaches how amazing God is, how he's bigger than anything she's dealing with. That's true. It's all true. But it's time for her to actually believe it. She needs to believe in her heart that God has her back. That God holds her heart.
Right now she's struggling. Because she isn't trusting God.
She wishes it was okay to admit her heart hurts. But it seems ridiculous to constantly say her heart hurts.
She struggles.
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