The day a little extra coffee is a little bit necessary. If I'm honest, every day since Halloween has been an overload of coffee to get me through. I haven't slept well, I haven't felt right inside. And no, it's not because of the coffee.
There's this emptiness I was left with • something in my heart just didn't feel whole anymore. It was like my world was spinning all around me and there I was just watching it crash into a million tiny pieces.
Tonight, I spent time with an old friend. I'm terrible when it comes to planning in advance, so spur of the moment hangouts are my thing. Lately life has been crap. Or at least it's felt like crap. I've been so down and out of it, not wanting to do anything, just getting lost in my thoughts.
You know that feeling you get once you've reached the top of a mountain and you take that very first breath, like you're breathing in life looking over Gods masterpiece? That's how tonight was. Except it happened at pad Thai.
I've discussed my heart with some close girlfriends. Everyone needs people praying for them.
(Every girl needs a strong group of ladies who are insane prayer warriors, they'll be there through it all, and will always point you towards the King).
This friend is always the first one to point me towards Jesus. She's humble, wise, and completely in love with the Lord. And her guy ;). But really, she's wonderful. She doesn't have all the answers. None of us do. BUT good news... She serves the one who does. The God who knows EVERYTHING, whether we like that or not!
For Christmas I asked for a book called 5 minutes with Jesus. Just something little I could read every day. One devotion spoke about being honest with God. He knows everything that's going on, but we need to say it. Yell it if we have to. Does God deserve our anger? Heck no. But he loves us still. I can't imagine someone yelling at me and not even thinking twice about forgiving them and loving them within seconds of it all happening. But God does it. Every. Single. Day.
So I gave it a shot. I got mad at God.
That sounds so crazy to say out loud. I yelled at God.. And it felt amazing. Tears were running down my cheeks, my voice shook and I called out to Christ like never before. I told him why I was mad at him. Why I was mad at myself. That I just didn't know what to do.
After that I felt calm. Like I had finally blurted out the biggest kept secret. Funny thing is God already knew everything I was feeling, yet I tried to hide it from him.
I called on God and he answered me.
The next night we read on 1 Samuel 8. How Saul was now the king of Israel, but everything went south the moment he stopped asking God for guidance. When he began to make his decisions without God, his world fell apart.
My world fell apart when I chose my own way. I didn't include God in any decisions, I didn't ask him for guidance. I wasn't being real with God.
We see what's on the outside, but the Lord God sees the heart. No matter how much I fake it, God knows my heart. He knows my desires, my worries, my fears, and he brings me peace about it all. Peace is something only attainable through a relationship with Jesus Christ. No one comes to the Father except through Him.
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Stay close to those who encourage you. Keep fighting the good fight.
#imperfecthuman
The coyotes seem to be yellin praises tonight too.
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