Girl talks

Tuesday. 

The day a little extra coffee is a little bit necessary. If I'm honest, every day since Halloween has been an overload of coffee to get me through. I haven't slept well, I haven't felt right inside. And no, it's not because of the coffee. 

There's this emptiness I was left with • something in my heart just didn't feel whole anymore. It was like my world was spinning all around me and there I was just watching it crash into a million tiny pieces. 

Tonight, I spent time with an old friend. I'm terrible when it comes to planning in advance, so spur of the moment hangouts are my thing. Lately life has been crap. Or at least it's felt like crap. I've been so down and out of it, not wanting to do anything, just getting lost in my thoughts.

You know that feeling you get once you've reached the top of a mountain and you take that very first breath, like you're breathing in life looking over Gods masterpiece? That's how tonight was. Except it happened at pad Thai. 

I've discussed my heart with some close girlfriends. Everyone needs people praying for them. 

(Every girl needs a strong group of ladies who are insane prayer warriors, they'll be there through it all, and will always point you towards the King). 

This friend is always the first one to point me towards Jesus. She's humble, wise, and completely in love with the Lord. And her guy ;). But really, she's wonderful. She doesn't have all the answers. None of us do. BUT good news... She serves the one who does. The God who knows EVERYTHING, whether we like that or not! 

For Christmas I asked for a book called 5 minutes with Jesus. Just something little I could read every day. One devotion spoke about being honest with God. He knows everything that's going on, but we need to say it. Yell it if we have to. Does God deserve our anger? Heck no. But he loves us still. I can't imagine someone yelling at me and not even thinking twice about forgiving them and loving them within seconds of it all happening. But God does it. Every. Single. Day. 

So I gave it a shot. I got mad at God.

That sounds so crazy to say out loud. I yelled at God.. And it felt amazing. Tears were running down my cheeks, my voice shook and I called out to Christ like never before. I told him why I was mad at him. Why I was mad at myself. That I just didn't know what to do. 

After that I felt calm. Like I had finally blurted out the biggest kept secret. Funny thing is God already knew everything I was feeling, yet I tried to hide it from him. 

I called on God and he answered me. 

The next night we read on 1 Samuel 8. How Saul was now the king of Israel, but everything went south the moment he stopped asking God for guidance. When he began to make his decisions without God, his world fell apart. 

My world fell apart when I chose my own way. I didn't include God in any decisions, I didn't ask him for guidance. I wasn't being real with God. 

We see what's on the outside, but the Lord God sees the heart. No matter how much I fake it, God knows my heart. He knows my desires, my worries, my fears, and he brings me peace about it all. Peace is something only attainable through a relationship with Jesus Christ. No one comes to the Father except through Him. 

••• 

Stay close to those who encourage you. Keep fighting the good fight. 

#imperfecthuman 

The coyotes seem to be yellin praises tonight too.  

So this is it

On my walk I was thinking. I was thinking about this thing that's happening between two young people. About how they think it's real and want it to be real so badly but are so afraid that it's not real, that maybe it's not meant to be. About how he likes her and she likes him. About how he's never felt this way for someone, and about how this feeling that he has when he thinks about her and talks to her and dreams about her and hugs her and sees her is something that he doesn't want to let go. Not yet. About how hard it will be to wait for the right time, to not be with her for maybe weeks at a time, to only write to her. About how if this whole thing isn't real, if it doesn't work out, that he wants to remember it in some way, because he's learned so much, and grown so much, and he wants to remember what it was like to have those feelings for her, and remember the chills he got, the way he shook and jumped around just thinking about her, the way he couldn't stop smiling when he was looking at her, and how a smile said so many words without saying one. So he found a way to remember it.

So he wrote their names in cement and they lived happily ever after. 
Wrong. 

Imagine what it would be like if we felt that way about Jesus. If we got chills just thinking about how much he loves us. If we couldn't wait to talk with him. 

What's written here on earth is temporary. What's written on our hearts is eternal.

Rely on the Lord and it's always a happily ever after, it won't feel that way all the time, but it is. 

Where did summer go?

#imperfecthuman

It's not about me

I'll start this off by saying this isn't a happy post. This isn't one of me talking about how content I am right now, how content I've been, or how content I should be. This is a post of how difficult it is for me to be happy.  I have absolutely no reason to be discontent. None. I have family and friends that surround me, I have a great church community full of people who really love me. I have God. What's missing? Oh right.. I made someone else my god.

I pushed everyone aside and made this one tiny person my entire world. I depended on him for my happiness. I began making up this picture in my mind of how life would be with him, how perfect it would be. We would have each other and that was good enough for me. It was amazing actually. I would get to spend every single day with my best friend.

That's not how it's supposed to be though. I know that, but it's hard to put my own wants and desires aside. It isn't about me.

A relationship isn't about the two people involved. Really, there should be three people involved. Man, woman, God. God should be number one in the relationship. I made the man my god. That sounds extreme, but it's true. Our God is a jealous God. He wants my attention. He wants my love. Did I give any of that to him? No. I gave it to someone who would never ever be able to fulfill this empty void inside my heart. I gave it all to someone who wasn't God. And that's when my little perfect world came crumbling down. It ended. It was done. My heart still aches and hopes for it to be different, but it's not. It won't ever be.

Everyone talks about being content in the 'now' and that's something I struggle with daily.
I'm not content in the now, I have no idea where I'm going. But there's this God, this King, this Saviour, who has my life all planned out. And it's perfect. He is perfect. When I follow gods path, there is happiness. Its not all rainbows and lollipops, there is struggle, but it's all to build up His kingdom.

God never promised to make me happy, He promised to make me HOLY. and that's something only God can do.

Friends, heartache sucks. It really does. Dating sucks, because for me it's only led to heartache. Not only do you lose your best friend, but you lose the family you've come to love dearly.  I've wondered what I did wrong. Why I'm not what they wanted. But that alone is the problem. I am constantly wanted by Christ. He wants me the most. He cherishes me, pursues me, and LOVES ME.

Ladies, it's time we start dating Jesus. Lets see what that's like. Dating Jesus. I can't fathom what it would look like for me to be dating Jesus... How my heart would change, how my desires would change... It would be incredible. So why can't I let it go? Give up on this guy? Because my earthly desires are strong and I'm stubborn. But God is stronger. God is greater than what I face and have faced.

Enough with being "content in the now"

How about being content with Jesus.

hello selfish

Some days I feel like the most selfish person in the whole entire world. What's worst is when you're being selfish and someone confirms it. Selfishness is hard to steer away from. I mean, we're all a little selfish in one way or another. We aren't perfect. We aren't God. 

This past week has been hard. This past week, God has shown me His goodness. God called me out on being selfish. God called out the young adults of MRBC on their selfishness. The young adults ministry at my Church is diving into the book of Acts in a series called "All In". We JUST talked about sharing the gospel not only with the jews but with the gentiles as well! Opening up the word of God to those who desperately needed to hear it! The gospel isn't exclusive. It's MEANT to be shared! 

My young adults group is so set in their ways, that the teaching pastor of our Church of 650 has taken on the role of leading us. We are in desperate need of help. It's like we've learned nothing. This entire sermon series has been about sharing Jesus, sharing the gospel and seeing how the Church grew. It's about making disciples, loving others, loving God! Our pastor teaches a course at a local college. People pay to be in this course. He is willing and wanting to teach this course for FREE on Thursday nights as a mini series for young adults ministry. This is amazing. Someone is taking time out of their busy life to teach something he could be getting paid for, to share Jesus and to broaden our knowledge of who this Jesus guy is and how to live for Him. This is something the young adults of MRBC needs. This is something everyone could benefit from. And it's sad we can't see we need this. God is and has been calling out to us through this series "All In", diving into the book of Acts, learning how the gospel was shared and how the Church grew tremendously. That the gospel wasn't for a few people, but it was for ALL. 

There is a gift being given to us. Instead of wanting to share it with others - like we are supposed to - we want it all for ourselves. We want it to just be for us. We are needy human beings. We need certain things all the time. But God provides for those needs and we HAVE  to trust Him. God has placed this pastor into our lives for a reason. He has called this man to lead young adults at this specific church because we need it. He won't give us anything we don't need. 

There's so much more to this story, but what I've gotten from this is that God has called out the young adults on being selfish. Not wanting to open this course to the rest of the church is a prime example of our selfishness. Let's put on the whole armour of God. Let's wear that belt of truth. Let's dodge those flaming arrows. Let's be image bearers, Jesus lovers, servants, leaders! Let's live out our purpose for the God who freaking gave His life for US. Let us first go to the bible; THE truth. Everything about the growth that needs to happen within this young adults ministry is exactly what we are currently reading about in Acts.

Think about that...

The answers we need are exactly what we are currently reading and discussing..

It's not easy to see things, even when they're right in front of us.

But let us put our own selfish desires aside, our own needs aside, because the amazing God we serve knows best. Let's stop pretending we know what's best and let's listen to what the Lord has to say!

Matthew 28:19 "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit."

Acts 1:8 "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth."

Here's another tid bit of selfishness where God has called me out directly - 

I'm now single. I found comfort in Jesus. I had so many plans. I had so many dreams. I thought my plans were amazing! Incredible even! I thought they were what God wanted for me. Through this, God is saying that even though my plans for myself were wonderful, His plans for me are even greater. I couldn't imagine that. It's still hard for me to picture. My heart is so heavy! But I trust in the God who is bigger than my heartache. He actually heals my heart. So I trust in Him. That whatever happens, God is on my side and I side with Him. In those moments though, I am selfish. When I'm alone I am selfish... I still want those plans. I fell in love, I am still in love! But why am I so caught up in the plans I have or had for myself, when the plans of my God are more than I could ever imagine?

It's hard to trust in the plans of someone else. But He promises the best for us. He knows what's best for us. There's comfort in the fact that even when I don't know the answers, God does. 

I am All In. Whatever you have for me Lord, I am All In. 

#imperfecthuman

Wait for it

Lately I can't control my frustration. It seems as if everyone and their dog are getting engaged. The young, the old, the immature, the wise - they've all got a ring on that little left finger.

So much of my day is spent looking at other people. I can't help but wonder where they are in life, what they're studying, who they're marrying? It's almost as if my entire world stops and stares at the lives of others. She's engaged, she's married, she has a baby on the way, look at her. Are you looking at her??

Don't get me wrong. I love that others are in those seasons of life. As happy as I am for them, I can't help but be jealous. I want all of that. I want those seasons to be the current seasons. It's taken me a long while to understand that I'm not enduring those seasons for a greater reason. Those are my dreams, to move on and grow and have my own family. I seem to want it all at once... It's finally become clear to me that those are my plans, and as great as they may be, those aren't GOD's plans. Not yet anyways.

Welcome to life seen through my eyes. 

Here's a little background for you, reader. I'm twenty. I'm still learning. I'm still growing. And I love Jesus Christ. The most difficult thing I've struggled with mentally thus far has been living in the future rather than being present and appreciating what I have and where I am. I've come along way these past two years. My parents were amazed by how much of myself I became. I had returned to normal Amy. You see, I was in a relationship that was incredibly life sucking. Like any love-crazy, romance seeking 18 year old, I fell in love and boy did I ever fall hard. As dreamy as it was at first, I didn't realize until after it ended that I had fallen in love with the wrong person. I placed my identity in this one guy who, in the end, couldn't ever fulfill my deepest desires. I sought after romance in the wrong areas. I sought affection rather than appreciation. Like I said before, I didn't fall in love with the right person...

I should have been falling in love with Jesus. 

Yeah, yeah. "Date God first" we get it. When somethings said over and over again, it finally sticks to us. I swear it's engraved on my brain. God first. 

Christ is my rock. He is my saviour. He is my Father. He is my Lord. The relationship I had attempted to build with this guy was toxic. We never did anything, we never went out and fully enjoyed each others company... there was always more to it. We weren't serious enough about our own goals in life. The only thing he wanted in life was me - that alone is toxic. 

Ladies, we are worth MORE than being someones entire world. The most attractive thing about a man in our eyes should be his personal relationship with God. When we put our entirety into a man we love, we lose sight on serving the man who loves us more than we could ever comprehend. This man sent his son to pay for our sins. He paid for my sins. 

When things ended, there was pain. There were a lot of tears, more than my mother ever wants to see shed from my eyes again. There was also peace. I serve a God bigger than any of my problems. The God I serve loves me, and like a Father, he watches out for His children. He saved me from so much hurt. He will never put me through what he knows I cannot endure.

{ Fast forward a couple years... }

I'm dating the most amazing young man. This relationship is different though.. As much as I think he's a total babe, and seriously the best person I've ever met, what attracts me most is his heart. This guy is Godly. And when I say Godly, I don't mean to say he's perfect. Because he's not. And neither am I. But he seeks God and encourages ME to seek God first.

We have a long distance relationship. It totally sucks not being closer, but it's sooo worth it! He is seriously my best friend. One specific thing I'm grateful for is the 3 hour commute to his home town. You're probably thinking why on earth am I grateful for that? That's THREE hours of driving.. I know, I know. But in those three hours I get to jam out to cool tunes, in my butt warmer seat and worship God! In all honesty, I tune into the country stations, but I try to listen to praise as well! And when I do... man do I belt those praises out! Other drivers probably think I'm a totally weird Canadian. Although they might already think Canadians are weird overall.. OH well..!

In my mind, it's ONLY three hours to get to my man! { only } three hours. No H2O in between. No airplane rides. Just coffee coffee coffee.

••• 

I wrote this in September. September. This guy is still my best friend. In my heart at least haha.. Just when I think I'm seeing what Gods doing, he surprises me. He turned my entire world upside down. At first I was furious. And deep down I still am. But if I truly trust the God who made me and holds me in the palm of his hand, why do I worry? Why do I doubt? Because I don't fully trust him. If I did, I'd be okay. I'd be more than okay, id be at peace. 

Point is, things happen. Hearts change. It's life. 

The only constant is Christ. 

He's the constant I chose every single day - it's something I have to chose every day - or else I'll turn back to my old ways. No more worrying, freaking out, and overreacting to things that aren't important. The biggest thing I learn everyday is that God is bigger. 

So how big are your problems on a scale of 1 to God? 

Doesn't seem like much when you see it that way.