Create in me patience

God takes the most unexpected people to do the most unexpected things. 

I never dreamed of being in this position. Today I got promoted. This wasn't just a little promotion either. I am officially the assistant store manager. I'm 20. I'm still in awe of it all. Me. Amy. Holy moly cow. 

A couple of months ago, I was miserable. Heck, a couple days ago I was miserable. I was drowning in self pity. My heart was broken, that's okay for a little while. It's okay to be sad and hurt. But there's a time when that needs to stop. 

I have purpose for Gods greater purpose. 

It's only recently I'm seeing this. 

We all meet Jesus in different ways. 

One of my favourite sayings goes like this : I would rather be outside thinking about God, than in church thinking about outside. 

To me, this is perfect. That's how some people truly meet Jesus, by exploring his creation and soaking it all in. 

Me? I meet Jesus through music. Every. Single. Time. That's when I experience the Holy Spirit moving in me. When I feel God the most is when singing praise to Him. 

Last Sunday we sang these words "how sure our salvation and we will not be shaken, Jesus firm foundation." It's now Monday evening and I've been singing those lines non stop. 

When we plant ourselves on Gods foundation, we are sturdy. He is our support. He is our refuge. He is our strength. 

I'm so amazed by Gods faithfulness. I've been promised so many times - stick to gods plan, draw close to Him, seek Him during this - and it wasn't until tonight that I'm able to sit back and see what He's done these past months. 

God chose me. He loves me. 

That blows my mind. God loves me so much, that he took something away from me. I don't know how long he'll take it away for, it could be forever even. But that's okay. I stopped paying attention to God. I began making my own decisions and it destroyed me. I chose to ignore God. And look what happened? My heart was broken. I didn't give it to God to take care of. 

Now here's the cool part - 

I have friends. Really good friends. 

I have church community.

I have an awesome, loving family that always has my back. 

I got a promotion... An incredible promotion I so don't deserve. 

I have education. 

I have so many things, yet here I am complaining about the one person I don't have. Really, I should be crying out to the Lord and making HIM that one person. 

You see, I could have everything good in the world and it still wouldn't be enough. 

I wouldn't have Jesus. 

And that's more than anything this world could ever offer me. 

Just when I thought God stopped listening to me... Everything had fallen into place right before my eyes. And to think I wouldn't have even noticed. 

Live in the present. Think about now. Enjoy the moments. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbour as yourself. Lead by example. 

Be patient with God, just as He is patient with us. 

Create in me patience, good, good Father. 

Girl talks

Tuesday. 

The day a little extra coffee is a little bit necessary. If I'm honest, every day since Halloween has been an overload of coffee to get me through. I haven't slept well, I haven't felt right inside. And no, it's not because of the coffee. 

There's this emptiness I was left with • something in my heart just didn't feel whole anymore. It was like my world was spinning all around me and there I was just watching it crash into a million tiny pieces. 

Tonight, I spent time with an old friend. I'm terrible when it comes to planning in advance, so spur of the moment hangouts are my thing. Lately life has been crap. Or at least it's felt like crap. I've been so down and out of it, not wanting to do anything, just getting lost in my thoughts.

You know that feeling you get once you've reached the top of a mountain and you take that very first breath, like you're breathing in life looking over Gods masterpiece? That's how tonight was. Except it happened at pad Thai. 

I've discussed my heart with some close girlfriends. Everyone needs people praying for them. 

(Every girl needs a strong group of ladies who are insane prayer warriors, they'll be there through it all, and will always point you towards the King). 

This friend is always the first one to point me towards Jesus. She's humble, wise, and completely in love with the Lord. And her guy ;). But really, she's wonderful. She doesn't have all the answers. None of us do. BUT good news... She serves the one who does. The God who knows EVERYTHING, whether we like that or not! 

For Christmas I asked for a book called 5 minutes with Jesus. Just something little I could read every day. One devotion spoke about being honest with God. He knows everything that's going on, but we need to say it. Yell it if we have to. Does God deserve our anger? Heck no. But he loves us still. I can't imagine someone yelling at me and not even thinking twice about forgiving them and loving them within seconds of it all happening. But God does it. Every. Single. Day. 

So I gave it a shot. I got mad at God.

That sounds so crazy to say out loud. I yelled at God.. And it felt amazing. Tears were running down my cheeks, my voice shook and I called out to Christ like never before. I told him why I was mad at him. Why I was mad at myself. That I just didn't know what to do. 

After that I felt calm. Like I had finally blurted out the biggest kept secret. Funny thing is God already knew everything I was feeling, yet I tried to hide it from him. 

I called on God and he answered me. 

The next night we read on 1 Samuel 8. How Saul was now the king of Israel, but everything went south the moment he stopped asking God for guidance. When he began to make his decisions without God, his world fell apart. 

My world fell apart when I chose my own way. I didn't include God in any decisions, I didn't ask him for guidance. I wasn't being real with God. 

We see what's on the outside, but the Lord God sees the heart. No matter how much I fake it, God knows my heart. He knows my desires, my worries, my fears, and he brings me peace about it all. Peace is something only attainable through a relationship with Jesus Christ. No one comes to the Father except through Him. 

••• 

Stay close to those who encourage you. Keep fighting the good fight. 

#imperfecthuman 

The coyotes seem to be yellin praises tonight too.  

So this is it

On my walk I was thinking. I was thinking about this thing that's happening between two young people. About how they think it's real and want it to be real so badly but are so afraid that it's not real, that maybe it's not meant to be. About how he likes her and she likes him. About how he's never felt this way for someone, and about how this feeling that he has when he thinks about her and talks to her and dreams about her and hugs her and sees her is something that he doesn't want to let go. Not yet. About how hard it will be to wait for the right time, to not be with her for maybe weeks at a time, to only write to her. About how if this whole thing isn't real, if it doesn't work out, that he wants to remember it in some way, because he's learned so much, and grown so much, and he wants to remember what it was like to have those feelings for her, and remember the chills he got, the way he shook and jumped around just thinking about her, the way he couldn't stop smiling when he was looking at her, and how a smile said so many words without saying one. So he found a way to remember it.

So he wrote their names in cement and they lived happily ever after. 
Wrong. 

Imagine what it would be like if we felt that way about Jesus. If we got chills just thinking about how much he loves us. If we couldn't wait to talk with him. 

What's written here on earth is temporary. What's written on our hearts is eternal.

Rely on the Lord and it's always a happily ever after, it won't feel that way all the time, but it is. 

Where did summer go?

#imperfecthuman

It's not about me

I'll start this off by saying this isn't a happy post. This isn't one of me talking about how content I am right now, how content I've been, or how content I should be. This is a post of how difficult it is for me to be happy.  I have absolutely no reason to be discontent. None. I have family and friends that surround me, I have a great church community full of people who really love me. I have God. What's missing? Oh right.. I made someone else my god.

I pushed everyone aside and made this one tiny person my entire world. I depended on him for my happiness. I began making up this picture in my mind of how life would be with him, how perfect it would be. We would have each other and that was good enough for me. It was amazing actually. I would get to spend every single day with my best friend.

That's not how it's supposed to be though. I know that, but it's hard to put my own wants and desires aside. It isn't about me.

A relationship isn't about the two people involved. Really, there should be three people involved. Man, woman, God. God should be number one in the relationship. I made the man my god. That sounds extreme, but it's true. Our God is a jealous God. He wants my attention. He wants my love. Did I give any of that to him? No. I gave it to someone who would never ever be able to fulfill this empty void inside my heart. I gave it all to someone who wasn't God. And that's when my little perfect world came crumbling down. It ended. It was done. My heart still aches and hopes for it to be different, but it's not. It won't ever be.

Everyone talks about being content in the 'now' and that's something I struggle with daily.
I'm not content in the now, I have no idea where I'm going. But there's this God, this King, this Saviour, who has my life all planned out. And it's perfect. He is perfect. When I follow gods path, there is happiness. Its not all rainbows and lollipops, there is struggle, but it's all to build up His kingdom.

God never promised to make me happy, He promised to make me HOLY. and that's something only God can do.

Friends, heartache sucks. It really does. Dating sucks, because for me it's only led to heartache. Not only do you lose your best friend, but you lose the family you've come to love dearly.  I've wondered what I did wrong. Why I'm not what they wanted. But that alone is the problem. I am constantly wanted by Christ. He wants me the most. He cherishes me, pursues me, and LOVES ME.

Ladies, it's time we start dating Jesus. Lets see what that's like. Dating Jesus. I can't fathom what it would look like for me to be dating Jesus... How my heart would change, how my desires would change... It would be incredible. So why can't I let it go? Give up on this guy? Because my earthly desires are strong and I'm stubborn. But God is stronger. God is greater than what I face and have faced.

Enough with being "content in the now"

How about being content with Jesus.

She struggles

There she is. 

The happiest girl in the world. She's smiling. She's laughing. She's praying. 

She has friends. She looks done up. She's never alone. She's outgoing. She's bright. She's okay. 

She's depressed. 

She struggles. 

She puts on a strong appearance so no one asks her what's really wrong. Truth is, she's hurting. She's tired of pretending like everything is okay, like her heart isn't hurting. She wants to trust God, she wants to love him more, she wants to fully rely on him for happiness. But she struggles. 

She feels distant from God. Distant from the world. Distant from herself. She feels like everything is floating past her and she's just standing still watching it all happen. She can't do anything about it. 

She tries her hardest to be better. To do better. To be more graceful, more forgiving, more loving. She tries. But she struggles. 

She spends the night wishing it was okay to constantly be in a state of nothingness. Where she feels empty and unsure of life. She feels like things continue to happen and she doesn't know how to deal with it. She preaches how amazing God is, how he's bigger than anything she's dealing with. That's true. It's all true. But it's time for her to actually believe it. She needs to believe in her heart that God has her back. That God holds her heart. 

Right now she's struggling. Because she isn't trusting God. 

She wishes it was okay to admit her heart hurts. But it seems ridiculous to constantly say her heart hurts. 

She struggles. 

hello selfish

Some days I feel like the most selfish person in the whole entire world. What's worst is when you're being selfish and someone confirms it. Selfishness is hard to steer away from. I mean, we're all a little selfish in one way or another. We aren't perfect. We aren't God. 

This past week has been hard. This past week, God has shown me His goodness. God called me out on being selfish. God called out the young adults of MRBC on their selfishness. The young adults ministry at my Church is diving into the book of Acts in a series called "All In". We JUST talked about sharing the gospel not only with the jews but with the gentiles as well! Opening up the word of God to those who desperately needed to hear it! The gospel isn't exclusive. It's MEANT to be shared! 

My young adults group is so set in their ways, that the teaching pastor of our Church of 650 has taken on the role of leading us. We are in desperate need of help. It's like we've learned nothing. This entire sermon series has been about sharing Jesus, sharing the gospel and seeing how the Church grew. It's about making disciples, loving others, loving God! Our pastor teaches a course at a local college. People pay to be in this course. He is willing and wanting to teach this course for FREE on Thursday nights as a mini series for young adults ministry. This is amazing. Someone is taking time out of their busy life to teach something he could be getting paid for, to share Jesus and to broaden our knowledge of who this Jesus guy is and how to live for Him. This is something the young adults of MRBC needs. This is something everyone could benefit from. And it's sad we can't see we need this. God is and has been calling out to us through this series "All In", diving into the book of Acts, learning how the gospel was shared and how the Church grew tremendously. That the gospel wasn't for a few people, but it was for ALL. 

There is a gift being given to us. Instead of wanting to share it with others - like we are supposed to - we want it all for ourselves. We want it to just be for us. We are needy human beings. We need certain things all the time. But God provides for those needs and we HAVE  to trust Him. God has placed this pastor into our lives for a reason. He has called this man to lead young adults at this specific church because we need it. He won't give us anything we don't need. 

There's so much more to this story, but what I've gotten from this is that God has called out the young adults on being selfish. Not wanting to open this course to the rest of the church is a prime example of our selfishness. Let's put on the whole armour of God. Let's wear that belt of truth. Let's dodge those flaming arrows. Let's be image bearers, Jesus lovers, servants, leaders! Let's live out our purpose for the God who freaking gave His life for US. Let us first go to the bible; THE truth. Everything about the growth that needs to happen within this young adults ministry is exactly what we are currently reading about in Acts.

Think about that...

The answers we need are exactly what we are currently reading and discussing..

It's not easy to see things, even when they're right in front of us.

But let us put our own selfish desires aside, our own needs aside, because the amazing God we serve knows best. Let's stop pretending we know what's best and let's listen to what the Lord has to say!

Matthew 28:19 "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit."

Acts 1:8 "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth."

Here's another tid bit of selfishness where God has called me out directly - 

I'm now single. I found comfort in Jesus. I had so many plans. I had so many dreams. I thought my plans were amazing! Incredible even! I thought they were what God wanted for me. Through this, God is saying that even though my plans for myself were wonderful, His plans for me are even greater. I couldn't imagine that. It's still hard for me to picture. My heart is so heavy! But I trust in the God who is bigger than my heartache. He actually heals my heart. So I trust in Him. That whatever happens, God is on my side and I side with Him. In those moments though, I am selfish. When I'm alone I am selfish... I still want those plans. I fell in love, I am still in love! But why am I so caught up in the plans I have or had for myself, when the plans of my God are more than I could ever imagine?

It's hard to trust in the plans of someone else. But He promises the best for us. He knows what's best for us. There's comfort in the fact that even when I don't know the answers, God does. 

I am All In. Whatever you have for me Lord, I am All In. 

#imperfecthuman

Why I thought blogging was stupid.

Blogging, in my mind, means writing about all the crap that's happening in our lives and seeking to find others who have gone through the same situations or are currently going through it. It's a form of support. Internet support. Support that isn't sufficient. Support that doesn't grasp eternal support. Most "blogs" are daily stories about past events and future worries. They let you into the bloggers heart. This isn't a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, community is necessary. But are you involving yourself in the right kind of community? Is this a community that has your eternal life in mind? Is this a community that depends on God for help? The answer to this is no. This isn't a community dependent on the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  But it's something. Someone might come across this one day and think wow I'm going through that exact same thing, THANK YOU for posting this. But it's not how WE have overcome obstacles. It's about how Jesus overcame. 

As much as I would love to use this little page as a personal diary or daily entry, it won't be. You don't need to know me. You need to know who Jesus is. You don't need to know my deepest thoughts or how my boyfriend is, how my friends are, what I'm wearing or what I'm making. I want you to know how amazing God is. You don't need to know those little details about my life.
But you should know this one big thing... 

I follow Jesus. I love Jesus. I am for Jesus. Jesus is God.

This will be about the God who created me and who created you. 

In Christ there is purpose. 

Without you, I am nothing.

To someone who isn't a Christian, man that might sound a little insane. OK, a lot insane...

-You're nothing without this God? What if God leaves? What if he doesn't accept you? 

That's sad.

I've heard this time and time again. Why should I depend on God for happiness? Why should I live my life for someone else? Why? Why! Why. why. why. 

Well first off, I don't depend on God for my happiness, I am happy through serving Him. I depend on Him for holiness. God never promised to make me happy. But through promising to make me holy, I am happy. There is a genuine happiness that comes from serving God. It isn't easy to describe either. It can't be imagined. It can only be experienced. 

Our mission as Christ followers is to make Jesus known. 

In Church we've been discussing what it means to be All In. What does that look like? We are currently studying the Book of Acts. Oh how I long to be in a Church like the one in Acts. They were so FULL of the Holy Spirit power. They were loving, eager to serve not just God but others! 

Serving God means serving others. 

The mission of MRBC is to love God, and love others. 

This month, as we learn what it was like to see Jesus moving through his people, the church, we want to inspire you to be apart of His movement. We want the church to be All In. No matter what it costs. 

In this sermon series, Jon Morrison introduced the idea of "Up, In, and Out"

1) UP - looking up to Jesus before anything else. Seeking His heart first and trusting Him. 

2) IN - we've lost the value of Church. There is no urgency to get there on a Sunday morning. It's not a priority. We need to be reminded of God every single week. It's important.

3) OUT - we need to reach out. Being in community with one another doesn't just mean within the walls of the Church. It means people. People who know Christ and people who don't. 

We were made for mission. We were made with purpose.

This is our purpose. 

Jesus leads through leaders. He uses normal, uneducated people for His work. He's using me. I'm not all knowing. I know nothing. I struggle, daily. I don't have all the answers, but I follow the only one who does. 

Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

John 14:6

Jesus is the only answer. He is the only choice. I live in a world that likes to have options. Here's a simple example: Everyone loves to create their own Starbucks drink instead of taking it for what it is. There are so many different options. Sugar free, low fat, coconut milk, decaf, cold, hot... you get what I'm saying? There are so many options all around us. So many turn when they hear of Jesus and this verse specifically because He is clearly saying that HE is the ONLY choice. To some, this is disappointing. It pushes them away from God. Just one choice. To follow, or to not. To be a Christian, or to not. To me, this makes things easier. I don't have to go through the choices and find out what I like and dislike. Because it's not up to me. There isn't more than one option.  I don't have to sift through all the false gods and religions. Jesus is the only answer. This makes it easy. 

I only have one choice. You only have one choice.

So, choose. 

Are you with Jesus or are you against Him?

#imperfecthuman