Create in me patience

God takes the most unexpected people to do the most unexpected things. 

I never dreamed of being in this position. Today I got promoted. This wasn't just a little promotion either. I am officially the assistant store manager. I'm 20. I'm still in awe of it all. Me. Amy. Holy moly cow. 

A couple of months ago, I was miserable. Heck, a couple days ago I was miserable. I was drowning in self pity. My heart was broken, that's okay for a little while. It's okay to be sad and hurt. But there's a time when that needs to stop. 

I have purpose for Gods greater purpose. 

It's only recently I'm seeing this. 

We all meet Jesus in different ways. 

One of my favourite sayings goes like this : I would rather be outside thinking about God, than in church thinking about outside. 

To me, this is perfect. That's how some people truly meet Jesus, by exploring his creation and soaking it all in. 

Me? I meet Jesus through music. Every. Single. Time. That's when I experience the Holy Spirit moving in me. When I feel God the most is when singing praise to Him. 

Last Sunday we sang these words "how sure our salvation and we will not be shaken, Jesus firm foundation." It's now Monday evening and I've been singing those lines non stop. 

When we plant ourselves on Gods foundation, we are sturdy. He is our support. He is our refuge. He is our strength. 

I'm so amazed by Gods faithfulness. I've been promised so many times - stick to gods plan, draw close to Him, seek Him during this - and it wasn't until tonight that I'm able to sit back and see what He's done these past months. 

God chose me. He loves me. 

That blows my mind. God loves me so much, that he took something away from me. I don't know how long he'll take it away for, it could be forever even. But that's okay. I stopped paying attention to God. I began making my own decisions and it destroyed me. I chose to ignore God. And look what happened? My heart was broken. I didn't give it to God to take care of. 

Now here's the cool part - 

I have friends. Really good friends. 

I have church community.

I have an awesome, loving family that always has my back. 

I got a promotion... An incredible promotion I so don't deserve. 

I have education. 

I have so many things, yet here I am complaining about the one person I don't have. Really, I should be crying out to the Lord and making HIM that one person. 

You see, I could have everything good in the world and it still wouldn't be enough. 

I wouldn't have Jesus. 

And that's more than anything this world could ever offer me. 

Just when I thought God stopped listening to me... Everything had fallen into place right before my eyes. And to think I wouldn't have even noticed. 

Live in the present. Think about now. Enjoy the moments. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbour as yourself. Lead by example. 

Be patient with God, just as He is patient with us. 

Create in me patience, good, good Father. 

Girl talks

Tuesday. 

The day a little extra coffee is a little bit necessary. If I'm honest, every day since Halloween has been an overload of coffee to get me through. I haven't slept well, I haven't felt right inside. And no, it's not because of the coffee. 

There's this emptiness I was left with • something in my heart just didn't feel whole anymore. It was like my world was spinning all around me and there I was just watching it crash into a million tiny pieces. 

Tonight, I spent time with an old friend. I'm terrible when it comes to planning in advance, so spur of the moment hangouts are my thing. Lately life has been crap. Or at least it's felt like crap. I've been so down and out of it, not wanting to do anything, just getting lost in my thoughts.

You know that feeling you get once you've reached the top of a mountain and you take that very first breath, like you're breathing in life looking over Gods masterpiece? That's how tonight was. Except it happened at pad Thai. 

I've discussed my heart with some close girlfriends. Everyone needs people praying for them. 

(Every girl needs a strong group of ladies who are insane prayer warriors, they'll be there through it all, and will always point you towards the King). 

This friend is always the first one to point me towards Jesus. She's humble, wise, and completely in love with the Lord. And her guy ;). But really, she's wonderful. She doesn't have all the answers. None of us do. BUT good news... She serves the one who does. The God who knows EVERYTHING, whether we like that or not! 

For Christmas I asked for a book called 5 minutes with Jesus. Just something little I could read every day. One devotion spoke about being honest with God. He knows everything that's going on, but we need to say it. Yell it if we have to. Does God deserve our anger? Heck no. But he loves us still. I can't imagine someone yelling at me and not even thinking twice about forgiving them and loving them within seconds of it all happening. But God does it. Every. Single. Day. 

So I gave it a shot. I got mad at God.

That sounds so crazy to say out loud. I yelled at God.. And it felt amazing. Tears were running down my cheeks, my voice shook and I called out to Christ like never before. I told him why I was mad at him. Why I was mad at myself. That I just didn't know what to do. 

After that I felt calm. Like I had finally blurted out the biggest kept secret. Funny thing is God already knew everything I was feeling, yet I tried to hide it from him. 

I called on God and he answered me. 

The next night we read on 1 Samuel 8. How Saul was now the king of Israel, but everything went south the moment he stopped asking God for guidance. When he began to make his decisions without God, his world fell apart. 

My world fell apart when I chose my own way. I didn't include God in any decisions, I didn't ask him for guidance. I wasn't being real with God. 

We see what's on the outside, but the Lord God sees the heart. No matter how much I fake it, God knows my heart. He knows my desires, my worries, my fears, and he brings me peace about it all. Peace is something only attainable through a relationship with Jesus Christ. No one comes to the Father except through Him. 

••• 

Stay close to those who encourage you. Keep fighting the good fight. 

#imperfecthuman 

The coyotes seem to be yellin praises tonight too.  

So this is it

On my walk I was thinking. I was thinking about this thing that's happening between two young people. About how they think it's real and want it to be real so badly but are so afraid that it's not real, that maybe it's not meant to be. About how he likes her and she likes him. About how he's never felt this way for someone, and about how this feeling that he has when he thinks about her and talks to her and dreams about her and hugs her and sees her is something that he doesn't want to let go. Not yet. About how hard it will be to wait for the right time, to not be with her for maybe weeks at a time, to only write to her. About how if this whole thing isn't real, if it doesn't work out, that he wants to remember it in some way, because he's learned so much, and grown so much, and he wants to remember what it was like to have those feelings for her, and remember the chills he got, the way he shook and jumped around just thinking about her, the way he couldn't stop smiling when he was looking at her, and how a smile said so many words without saying one. So he found a way to remember it.

So he wrote their names in cement and they lived happily ever after. 
Wrong. 

Imagine what it would be like if we felt that way about Jesus. If we got chills just thinking about how much he loves us. If we couldn't wait to talk with him. 

What's written here on earth is temporary. What's written on our hearts is eternal.

Rely on the Lord and it's always a happily ever after, it won't feel that way all the time, but it is. 

Where did summer go?

#imperfecthuman

It's not about me

I'll start this off by saying this isn't a happy post. This isn't one of me talking about how content I am right now, how content I've been, or how content I should be. This is a post of how difficult it is for me to be happy.  I have absolutely no reason to be discontent. None. I have family and friends that surround me, I have a great church community full of people who really love me. I have God. What's missing? Oh right.. I made someone else my god.

I pushed everyone aside and made this one tiny person my entire world. I depended on him for my happiness. I began making up this picture in my mind of how life would be with him, how perfect it would be. We would have each other and that was good enough for me. It was amazing actually. I would get to spend every single day with my best friend.

That's not how it's supposed to be though. I know that, but it's hard to put my own wants and desires aside. It isn't about me.

A relationship isn't about the two people involved. Really, there should be three people involved. Man, woman, God. God should be number one in the relationship. I made the man my god. That sounds extreme, but it's true. Our God is a jealous God. He wants my attention. He wants my love. Did I give any of that to him? No. I gave it to someone who would never ever be able to fulfill this empty void inside my heart. I gave it all to someone who wasn't God. And that's when my little perfect world came crumbling down. It ended. It was done. My heart still aches and hopes for it to be different, but it's not. It won't ever be.

Everyone talks about being content in the 'now' and that's something I struggle with daily.
I'm not content in the now, I have no idea where I'm going. But there's this God, this King, this Saviour, who has my life all planned out. And it's perfect. He is perfect. When I follow gods path, there is happiness. Its not all rainbows and lollipops, there is struggle, but it's all to build up His kingdom.

God never promised to make me happy, He promised to make me HOLY. and that's something only God can do.

Friends, heartache sucks. It really does. Dating sucks, because for me it's only led to heartache. Not only do you lose your best friend, but you lose the family you've come to love dearly.  I've wondered what I did wrong. Why I'm not what they wanted. But that alone is the problem. I am constantly wanted by Christ. He wants me the most. He cherishes me, pursues me, and LOVES ME.

Ladies, it's time we start dating Jesus. Lets see what that's like. Dating Jesus. I can't fathom what it would look like for me to be dating Jesus... How my heart would change, how my desires would change... It would be incredible. So why can't I let it go? Give up on this guy? Because my earthly desires are strong and I'm stubborn. But God is stronger. God is greater than what I face and have faced.

Enough with being "content in the now"

How about being content with Jesus.

She struggles

There she is. 

The happiest girl in the world. She's smiling. She's laughing. She's praying. 

She has friends. She looks done up. She's never alone. She's outgoing. She's bright. She's okay. 

She's depressed. 

She struggles. 

She puts on a strong appearance so no one asks her what's really wrong. Truth is, she's hurting. She's tired of pretending like everything is okay, like her heart isn't hurting. She wants to trust God, she wants to love him more, she wants to fully rely on him for happiness. But she struggles. 

She feels distant from God. Distant from the world. Distant from herself. She feels like everything is floating past her and she's just standing still watching it all happen. She can't do anything about it. 

She tries her hardest to be better. To do better. To be more graceful, more forgiving, more loving. She tries. But she struggles. 

She spends the night wishing it was okay to constantly be in a state of nothingness. Where she feels empty and unsure of life. She feels like things continue to happen and she doesn't know how to deal with it. She preaches how amazing God is, how he's bigger than anything she's dealing with. That's true. It's all true. But it's time for her to actually believe it. She needs to believe in her heart that God has her back. That God holds her heart. 

Right now she's struggling. Because she isn't trusting God. 

She wishes it was okay to admit her heart hurts. But it seems ridiculous to constantly say her heart hurts. 

She struggles.